First of all, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!
It’s a day to be grateful and I have much to be grateful for.
1) Squirrels are hybernating.
2) I don’t have to wear Spanx.
3) I have never bought anything “as seen on TV.”
4) I can still drive at night.
5) There’s a TV in my bathroom.
6) TMZ doesn’t know where I live.
7) I will always be older than Cher.
8) I will never be a vegan.
9) No one recognizes me at Target.
10) They make 3-ply toilet paper.
Have a great Thanksgiving, everyone. I’ll be cooking all day and loving it.
Coming soon: A brand new website… I can’t wait!! 🙂 🙂
We all hoped Joan Rivers would pull through after she suffered cardiac arrest during a medical procedure on her vocal cords but it was not meant to be. She was a brilliant comedian. She had to be to break through all the barriers faced by women comics back in the 60s. By succeeding she paved the way for other women comics, including myself, but no only that, she was an incredibly kind and supportive entertainer.
I appeared on Hollywood Squares with her in 1988 when I was just starting out and she sat with me during a break, was so nice to me, and even gave me advice about writing. Then in 1990, I was a guest on her daytime talk show and again, she was gracious and just as kind to me again. When she did stand up, everyone talked about it. “Did you hear what Joan Rivers said? Can you believe what Joan Rivers said?” She was fearless. She pushed the envelope and that’s when she was at her best. She was always outrageous and we loved her for it. All the brilliant comics who had us falling down laughing were outrageous, just like Joan.
I am so sad for missing all the great things she still had to say and sad for her family dealing with this unexpected tragedy. Joan may have been 81 but she was full of life and just as funny as ever. Even when contemplating her own death, Joan has managed to make us laugh again. Here are Joan’s final wishes:
“When I die (and yes, Melissa, that day will come; and yes, Melissa, everything’s in your name), I want my funeral to be a huge showbiz affair with lights, cameras, action…. I want Craft Services, I want paparazzi and I want publicists making a scene!
I want it to be Hollywood all the way. I don’t want some rabbi rambling on; I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents. I don’t want a eulogy; I want Bobby Vinton to pick up my head and sing Mr. Lonely.
I want to look gorgeous, better dead than I do alive. I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. And I want a wind machine so that even in the casket my hair is blowing just like Beyoncé’s.”
Rest in peace, Joan.
When I heard our zoo got two new lions, I couldn’t wait to go and see. Denis and I went last week and there they were… asleep. I wanted to take a picture but they wouldn’t move. I tried to explain to the lions that I drove a long way to come and see them and the least they could do is wake up. A bunch of other people were standing by with cameras just like me, but the lazy lions wouldn’t give us the time of day.
Still, I refused to leave. Good things take time and finally, the male started making low growling noises and I expected him to start moving around. All he did was yawn and go back to sleep. I think it was a yawn. Maybe he was hoping someone would throw a snack in there… like a club sandwich, or a couple of warthogs.
Gone but not forgotten! Here’s a story that appeared online today about some of the talk show hosts from the 90’s.
Here’s the whole article: http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/ricki-lake-jenny-jones-now/story?id=22588152#
They left out a lot of other ones though… Remember Gerlado Rivera, Jane Whitney, Gordon Elliott, Queen Latifah, Montel Williams, Rosie O’Donnell, Leeza Gibbons, Sharon Osborne, Rachael Ray, Rolonda Watts, Mark Walberg, who did I leave out?
Jenny Jones crashed my website! But it’s not me. The other Jenny Jones is a snowboarder from Britain who just made history at the Sochi Winter Olympics by winning Britain’s first ever medal on snow. Congratulations to the other Jenny Jones. Her name was trending on Yahoo and when people clicked, it went to me and overloaded my website.
What are the odds? Two blondes with the same name, but the other one actually has talent. I also noticed a third “Jenny Jones” and she is a politician in England. So one is an Olympic medalist, another is a British labor politician, and I’m just here baking cookies. Maybe I should be rethinking my purpose in life… … … … … … … … (I just did. And I’m good.) 🙂
I guess my new hobby is making cooking videos at home, and I guess people like them. I’ve already had over a million views! I never expected that! But it just motivates me to make more of my little How-To vignettes in the kitchen. What really surprised me was which ones are the most popular.
My number one most popular video on youtube? Pepperoni pizza!
This was a complete surprise. Even I don’t make them very often because they take a lot of work but I thought the process might be interesting to some people. So it seems they like it, right? Not exactly. Oh, I did receive lots of positive comments at first… from this country… but then they found my video in Poland.
They called me names. They said I forgot where I came from. They said I was not Polish. Apparently, I have highly insulted the entire population of Poland with my…. tasty, delicious, healthy cabbage rolls. I got hate mail. “That’s not how we make them in Poland.” “No self-respecting Pole puts mushrooms in cabbage rolls.” “We don’t put meat in our golabki! What is wrong with you?” “Only a simpleton would take the cabbage out of the pot to remove the leaves.” “That’s not how my babcia made them.”
To me the best way to deal with offensive people is with humor. So how many Poles does it take to make a cabbage roll? Only one. But he has to make sure the cabbage is round; otherwise, it won’t even roll around once.
Denis and I are on a road trip to the east coast. What better time to come east but when the trees are ablaze with colors like this. We started in Washington, DC and then we went on to New York City. This tree was in Central Park. I got right under the tree and kept looking up at it – I couldn’t believe how beautiful it was. But my joy was short-lived. When I looked down, guess who was there to welcome me to New York?
“Hi, Jenny! I’ve been waiting for you. My cousin back in L.A. texted me that you were coming. Did you bring me any snacks? Any tomatoes? Peaches? …No? No problem. Just open up your purse, I’ll jump in and go back with you! After I eat all your peaches, can we go to Disneyland?” How about you jump in my purse and I catapult it across the Hudson River, you mangy, rat-faced, no-good, low-life, beady-eyed, scum-sucking, vacation-ruining squirrel!
When I heard the county fair was coming to town, I marked it on the calendar. THIS is the day I will ride my Tilt-a-Whirl. I planned it months ago and even got a confirmation that they indeed had a Tilt-a-Whirl from someone who was there. So last Thursday, we headed to the L.A. County Fair.
It was an hour’s drive but I didn’t care. My Tilt-a-Whirl was there. It was the only reason Denis was willing to drive for an hour and be there on a hot and windy day. As if the amusement ride wouldn’t be enough, we arrived and went to get tickets and guess what? Senior Discount!!
Once we were in Denis said, “Do you want to go see the animals first?” “No. Tilt-a-Whirl.” “How about the prize winning pies? You love to bake.” “No. Tilt-a-Whirl.” I had a singular goal and nothing was going to slow me down. I thought I would ride five times, twice right away, go see the animals, two more rides, then the pies, and one more ride before we left.
This Tilt-a-Whirl wasn’t the traditional red but it was even prettier, painted in pink and purple. As if this wasn’t the best day ever (no traffic + senior discount) there was hardly anybody on the ride! No line at all. Denis bought some ride tickets, and I saw only two cars with other riders so I could pick any of the other cars. Denis got the camera ready while I handed the ride operator (let’s call him “Satan”) my tickets.
“You can’t ride,” said Satan. “WHAT? Why not?” “No single riders,” Satan replied. “But there’s nobody here,” I said, “That’s for when there’s a line. I drove an hour to ride this Tilt-a-Whirl. Most of the cars are empty.” “No, you can’t ride,” said Satan, “No single riders.” Denis offered to ride with me but I was wearing a nice shirt and didn’t want him throwing up on it. It was a long, sad, ride home. Satan could probably get a job at a restaurant and if Jesus himself walked in he’d say, “Sorry. No shirt, no shoes, no service.”